Archive for the ‘politics’ Category

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In Honor of the Dearly Departed

July 8, 2008

Sen. Jesse Helmsfuneral is today.

To honor this great man’s passing, I offer you a touching serenade to his steadfast and tireless devotion to bigotry and oppression.

(grainy Jesse Helms sample)
“Unless and until the American people demand the restoration of both moral and spiritual priorities, I simply do not believe that we’re going to solve any other problems as well.”

Big fat fuck from North Carolina state,
he’s a worthless piece of shit, he’s a paragon of hate,
he’s a redneck, fuck-face, brain-dead waste of space,
two-bit, two-timing, motherfucking pool of slime.
Against gay rights, and funding for the arts,
tried to cancel PBS and tear Big Bird apart.
Cut AIDS funding, corporate welfare for the rich,
he’s a shameless money grubber, he’s a two dollar bitch.

Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?

Fundamentalist, fuckwad, dickless prick,
he’s ugly as a morlock, dumb as a brick.
He’s a sack of shit, hypocrite, single-minded, fat bigot,
punk bitch, ignorant, ass-munch sycophant.
Life long friend of the deadly cancer sticks,
thinks AIDS is the fault of the people it afflicts.
Racist fuck who supports segregation,
foe of the people friend of the corporation.

Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?

Uh!
Damn.
Get up, get up!

Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Hurry up and die!

Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?
Why won’t Jesse Helms just hurry up and die?

Yo Jesse, you dumb-ass, racist, cracker motherfucker!
Why the fuck won’t you just hurry up and die?
And take that punk-bitch Strom Thurmond with you!

“Why Won’t Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?” by MC Hawking

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Spoiler Alert!

February 27, 2008

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

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Invisible Friends

January 17, 2008

I’m reading about the Crusades in one of my classes, and it has sparked some internal monologuing on the subject of religious wars. It seems to me that religious strife comes from a deep seated insecurity about the nature of one’s own beliefs. If it was a simple disagreement, I don’t see why differing religious theories would so regularly lead to violence. Controversies in science and art sometimes become bitter and personal, but they rarely lead to bloodshed. In fact I cannot think of a single time that an artistic or scientific disagreement even got near the mere threat of force, unless it was a disagreement between the scientists/artists on one side, and some very religious people on the other.

But religious disputes are different from art and science. On some unconscious level, people recognize the irrationality and inconsistencies of a belief in the divine, and in response they come up with ways to justify that belief. But when they encounter other people doing the same thing but in a different manner- and this might be particularly true for different denominations of the same faith- it can be terribly upsetting. The question that arises is: if the Word of God is so true and profound and universal, how come so many other people get it wrong? How is it that they arrive at these silly excuses they tell themselves to paper over the flaws in their beliefs, and how is it that they can believe so fervently in them?

How dare you claim your invisible friend is the one true invisible friend when it is so clearly obvious that my invisible friend is the one true invisible friend! Furthermore, I hate you for believing so fervently in your invisible friend, because your ability to rationalize your clearly delusional beliefs about him unsettles the strength of my belief in my own invisible friend; I recognize in your face the same incredulity I wear when I look at your church and your god and it tempts me to wonder if perhaps the points I make about you may apply equally to me. And for the sake of all the years and effort I have invested in my belief, I cannot allow that to happen.

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Ann Coulter’s Bogeymen

December 1, 2007

I can just hear her tearful sobs now: “What did I ever do to deserve this? All I do is spew hate and invective across the entire American media consciousness, where no man, living or dead, can hope to escape it- you know, perfectly harmless and innocent- and yet these…these liberal monsters attack me at my home!”

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The Mayor of 9/11’s New Scandal

November 29, 2007

From the Politico: 

As New York mayor, Rudy Giuliani billed obscure city agencies for tens of thousands of dollars in security expenses amassed during the time when he was beginning an extramarital relationship with future wife Judith Nathan in the Hamptons, according to previously undisclosed government records.

The documents, obtained by Politico under New York’s Freedom of Information Law, show that the mayoral costs had nothing to do with the functions of the little-known city offices that defrayed his tabs, including agencies responsible for regulating loft apartments, aiding the disabled and providing lawyers for indigent defendants.

Given the recent track record of the political media, I think we can all safely assume that this will be blamed on the Democrats.

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Another Triumph for Civil Rights

November 5, 2007

Two cops break into a man’s house and then taser him while he is asleep. The man wakes up, and they taser him again. Luckily, no charges were filed as a result of this incident, so the man has escaped being sent to prison.

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See? I’m Not The Only One Who Thinks So.

September 28, 2007

A few days ago, I pointed out the obvious- that John Stossel is an enormous douchebag. Well now I’ve found that I am not the only one who has noticed this.

Good show, sir, good show!