Archive for the ‘fan culture’ Category


I Just Finished Playing Max Payne

March 6, 2008

The crumbs were scattered down the counter like Hansel and Gretel’s roadtrip to Hell. The bread loaf, the apple, nothing else had been hit. Just the jar. Somebody knew what they wanted ahead of time. An inside job always stinks, and I was fresh out of Lysol.

“I told them I was saving them for the potluck. Why would they do this?”

A good question. A better one would be, who are they?

“Honey, cut it out.”

The dame was feisty, I’ll give her that. She was all sleek curves and dangerous eyes that flashed like lightening or gunfire, take your pick. I like gunfire.

“Damnit John, just go talk to your boys!”

The perps were holed up in their rathole, a cramped attic filled with beds and dressers and little plastic landmines that hurt really bad if you stepped on them with bare feet. Bad like a moon rising in that song. The usual suspects were there. I knew Billy was a stoolie, but only when Tommy and Jimmy weren’t there to keep him in line. Worse luck, they were. They looked up, all puzzled innocence.

“Uh…dad? Why are you talking like-”

Clever, real clever of them. They were trying to take the lead in the conversation, I’d have to watch my back.

All right, you thugs, I said. Who took the cookies from the cookie jar?


“Dad, that’s a little harsh.”

I needed answers, not backtalk. This was going nowhere fast. Or everywhere slow, I couldn’t tell. Riddles upon riddles until my head hurt.

“Yeah, you seem like you might have hit it pretty hard.”

I still needed answers, bad. Ly. I had some leverage against them, I decided to use it. If I didn’t find out whodunit, I’d ground them like grounded pepper. Billy looked ready to crack. I asked them again about who took the cookies from the cookie jar.

“Tommy took the cookies from the cookie jar!”

“Me? Couldn’t be, I was at practice.”

Then who?

“Jimmy. Jimmy must have taken the cookies from the cookie jar.”

“You’re on crack, Billy. I don’t even like cookies, dumbass.”

But if the truth wasn’t behind door number one, and it wasn’t behind door number two, then what was behind door number three? The truth? I had my doubts.

“Okay, okay. I did it. I took the cookies from the cookie jar.”

This was a surprise. Sleet and ice water filled my veins. Something was wrong. A big something. The kind of something that gets called the Blankity-blank Incident for years to come. I had no evidence. Why would Billy cop to it? What’s his angle?


The dame was calling from down below, like a voice out of Hell.

“Never mind, I found crumbs all over the dog’s bed. And I heard that voice of Hell thing, you’re sleeping on the couch.”

One mystery solved, but I’d stumbled across something even bigger. Why would Billy take the fall for Rex?

“I…I just didn’t want to be grounded.”

The last shoe, dropped at last. It was a big line of shoes, like at Footlocker.

“Wait, you didn’t want to be grounded for something the dog did, so you tried to get us grounded instead? Don’t go to sleep tonight, twerp. I’m warning you.”

Oh. Well then. Tom, Jim, be nice to your brother. Billy, watch your back.


Seen Around the Internet.

February 27, 2008

[21:32] GuttrMky: You know what would be awesome for Back to the Future 4?
[21:32] tgreatyoda: Not doing it?
[21:33] GuttrMky: They go into the future again, but find it to be an irradiated wasteland. They return to 1986 to spend their last days in their happiest time as the radiation posioning slowly eats away at their bone marrow.
[21:33] tgreatyoda: Lovely.
[21:33] GuttrMky: I know.
[21:34] GuttrMky: It’ll be the feel good movie of the year.
[21:34] tgreatyoda: Then you can do the reimagined Carebears.
[21:34] GuttrMky: Carebears: Raibes in Gumdrop Land.



February 17, 2008

So I guess this means that the newspost for this was just a dirty fucking lie? How dare you, Jeph? I trusted you.


Well fucking FINALLY!

February 6, 2008

The Evangelion remake has started to migrate out of Japan. First stop…Korea? Seriously? I mean, I know they’re close and all, but I have to think that we have a higher nerd population over here.

Okay, on second thought, no, I’m not surprised. Any nation that will make Starcraft its national sport is definitely fertile ground for an anime debut.

In any case, ANN has Eva’s American release set as February 22. I won’t have to live with the shakes for much longer. Hooray!


Oh Wonderful!

December 1, 2007

So IBM, lovable rouges that they are, just developed a new technology that will allow film companies to include un-skippable ads on their DVDs.

It’s like they’re trying to give us reasons to bootleg.



November 20, 2007

Go here:

Download a hi-res version of the new Cloverfield trailer. Watch it. At 1:29 we get the clearest shot yet of the movie’s monster. Looks like some kind of spiky elbow, along with the back of a head ending in sort of Knuckles-the-Echinda dreadlocks.

Earlier in the trailer, at point 1:11, we can see the silhouettes of two soldiers in biohazard gear trying to restrain a young woman. Her shadow rapidly distends outwards all along the torso, and the shot cuts just become she presumably explodes. This seems to indicate there may be a plague element to the story as well. Or perhaps, if it really is a Cthulhu movie, one of the Old Ones has just decided to start making people pop. You know, for kicks.

The next couple of days are going to be a smörgåsbord of unfounded rumor and speculation. Game on!


Okay, Listen Up People

November 16, 2007

You know what? No more zombies. None. They’re played out. They’re overexposed. They’re starting to smell a bit ripe.

Living Dead, it’s been fun, we had a few laughs, it was a nice little Renaissance of dead things, but the party is over, and you guys need to leave. “Zombie” currently nets 35.6 million hits on Google. Benjamin Franklin gets 4.5. I’ll ask you to read that again: Benjamin fucking Franklin, the man who practically pulled the United States out of his ass, gets less than 13% as many Google hits as zombies.

Entire webrings are dedicated to zombie survival, most of which simply repeat everything all the other zombie survival sites are saying. A man named Max Brooks was smart enough to jot most of this down and have it published, which earned him a lot of undying goreboy (a fanboy of gore) devotion and the delusion that he was a good writer. He quickly followed up by inflicting a book called World War Z on us, and I haven’t been able to look at the Borders sci-fi/fantasy section without feeling a little whisper of profound and eternal disappointment since.

There is so much zombie fiction out there these days that it has started to be viewed as its own genre. But that can’t possibly be right, because calling a collection of works taken together a genre implies that there is both variation and commonality within the group. But there is nothing new coming out of Zombietown these days.

So stop. Stop the fucking zombie train, I want to get off.