Archive for the ‘conspiracy theories’ Category

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Spoiler Alert!

February 27, 2008

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

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Dun-dun-fucking-DUUUUUNNNN!

February 17, 2008

So I guess this means that the newspost for this was just a dirty fucking lie? How dare you, Jeph? I trusted you.

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La Resistance

December 29, 2007

INT. A WAREHOUSE- NIGHT

We’re looking through the viewfinder of a camcorder. In the corner, a red dot flares to life next to REC. The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES kneels blindfolded with his hands bound behind his back before a black sheet hung up on a cement wall. Standing next to him, pistol in hand, is the LEADER. He is a young, fit man wearing a ski mask.

LEADER
People of America! For too long you have allowed your corrupt masters to define your existence for you! The freedom they offer is a lie! Time and again you elect corporate stooges who do nothing but give you the illusion of control! It is time reject this false democracy and force the people to retake their own destiny!

The Leader raises his pistol to the President’s head.

LEADER (CONT’D)
Sic semper tyrannus!

CUT TO the CAMERAMAN, standing stepping out from behind the camera.

CAMERAMAN
Whoa whoa, stop!

LEADER (exasperated)
What?

CAMERAMAN
Sic semper tyrannus? Are you kidding?

LEADER
What’s wrong with it?

CAMERAMAN
Well nothing, if we’re the Cliché Liberation Front.

CUT TO the SOUNDGUY, holding a boom mic, a confused look playing across his face.

SOUNDGUY
Wait, I thought we were the American Revolution Leauge.

LEADER
Don’t be an idiot, Darryl.

CAMERAMAN
No names! We agreed no names around the hostage!

LEADER
Oh come on, it doesn’t even matter anymore! We’re about to kill him- hell, he’d already be dead if you hadn’t-

A window BREAKS. A flash grenade lands CLATTERING at their feet. The faint sound of CLOMPING BOOTS is heard lining up next to the door.

CAMERAMAN
Aw shit.

The flash grenade EXPLODES…

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Grist For The Paranoia Mill

September 18, 2007

One of the real problems with struggling against our steady decline into a police state is that periodically those of us who support not being oppressed have to rush to the defense of idiots like this one:

Now the way the police treated him is unforgiveable and should cost them all their badges. He was doing nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong. He wasn’t being disruptive to the point where he should have been evicted, and even if he had been, that does not justify the use of a taser, which is not meant to enforce simple compliance but rather is designed to be an alternative to killing people.

But I have to say, this guy showed an incredible degree of self-righteous idiocy. He didn’t actually seem to want to hear answers from Kerry, but rather just rant at him. Dear God, man, have some dignity! If the people of this country are ever going to be united against a power-drunk government, we will need orators who inspire and enlighten people, not students who damage the legitimacy of their own cause with self-absorbed “gotcha” theatrics. What was the point of that Skull & Bones question? Was this guy trying to imply that Kerry threw the election? By bringing that line of questioning up in that context, this student helps reinforce a media-driven narrative that anyone who questions the legitimacy of the 2004 election is a crazy conspiracy theorist.

Oh, and Mr. Kerry, the way you continued answering this question without making any suggestion to the cops about how they might want to stop urinating all over the Constitution? Real classy.

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The Truth About 9/11

September 17, 2007

The real twisted genius of the 9/11 conspiracy theory is that at first blush, it makes a crude sort of sense. We’re supposed to be the strongest nation on Earth, so how could we be so grievously wounded by 19 men with box cutters? How could they have gotten past our invincible Federal Government? Answer: they couldn’t have. Therefore, it must be an inside job. This is sort of the logic equivalent of a hastily constructed false-front set for a movie, where buildings are represented by painted sheets of particle board nailed to a frame of 2×4’s. Sure it looks fine from a distance, but if you walk over and give it one good kick, the whole damn thing is likely to fall over and crush somebody.

Read the rest of this entry ?

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We’re Through the Looking Glass, People.

September 7, 2007

“Gentlemen, the time is at hand. Soon we will RULE THE WORLD! But first, we must be sure to leave a trail of breadcrumbs in the form of esoteric symbols that any jackass with an encyclopedia can decipher. Yes, yessss. Soon all will be in motion…”

Honestly, how fucking dumb do you have to be to fall for this nonsesnse? If you look at any three or five points on a map you can make a triangle or pentagram.  Novus ordo seculorum is a Latin phrase that means “A new order for the ages” and was chosen by our Founding Fathers to represent a beginning of a new American era. This is exactly the kind of motto you would expect people who were founding a new kind of country to choose.  Each and every thing in this video is so obviously either wrong or misinterpreted that I can’t imagine how anyone could actually believe in this absurdity long enough to edit together a video about it.